BREAKING NEWS: No American Servicemen Die Defending Ethanol ...Again

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AUTO CENTRAL - September 16, 2014: The Auto Channel was able to confirm this morning that no American military personnel have died or been wounded defending the production, distribution or sale of ethanol in America. And while we're still awaiting confirmation that no hostages have been taken at any ethanol plants throughout the world, TACH's management is confident that once reports are finalized that it will be confirmed.

Counting today, it appears, unofficially at least, that this is the 14,916th consecutive day since the October 1973 oil crisis that no hostages have been abducted by any militant group from any ethanol plant, no journalists have been beheaded, and no one has been injured as a result of a car bombing or sniper attack. In May 2003, there had been a report that Mary Bruener, a sales clerk at an Iowa-based ethanol plant was taken hostage, but it turned out it was just her friends who were taking her to the local Applebee's for a birthday celebration.

Today's report means that, once again, no lives were lost, no U.S. combat troops were dispatched, no naval assets were deployed, no Tomahawk missiles were fired, no helicopters were shot down, and no drones were needed to go behind enemy lines in order to protect any ethanol production facilities or the flow of ethanol to American service stations.

In a related story, televised reports are showing that service stations around America are not reporting any long waits for motorists to fill up on any fuel.

This story comes in the wake of the latest news that oil rich regimes and the terrorists they support are continuing to threaten world peace. Meanwhile American troops and military assets continue to be deployed around the world, at tax payer expense, to protect the global oil industry.